Well, marriage does not guarantee safe sex nor happiness . . . a marriage license is a piece of paper that says that you are legally tied. It does not protect you from hurt and pain.
I recently had a chance to interview a woman diagnosed with genital herpes (HSV2) who contracted it from her husband as a wedding gift. She was uncertain if the spouse knew that he had the virus since the symptoms were mild in comparison to the typical "skin blisters" that one usually envisions in association with herpes.
I also took the time to research the herpes statistics. Apparently 20 to 25% of the population has genital herpes (HSV2) and about 90% of the population have "cold sores" which is herpes (HSV1).
Apparently, many people with genital herpes do not know that they have genital herpes because the general population thinks herpes are "ulcers and lesions." However, only a small percentage of people with genital herpes have these "extreme" symptoms. According to my research, many people have such mild symptoms that they assume that it is "a pimple" or an allergic reaction or just "irritated skin." That is why genital herpes can be so easily spread.
This blog entry is to help set the record straight. Good people with safe sex practices and professional jobs can still get infected with herpes. It only takes one infected sex partner who does not know that they are infected.
Here is her story in interview format:
ME: So how do you know that your husband gave you herpes? (infected you with herpes?)
HER: I was always responsible with safe sex practices. I went to the doctor annually for regular pap tests. I also had STD tests completed after switching partners which was about every 3 years or so. I believed in longer term relationships and safe sex. Believe or not, I decided to "wait until I was married" to have sex with this particular man. Surprisingly, he was okay with the concept of no "pre-maritial sex." Of course, I thought that he was a "saint" at that point since he was willing to wait. Somehow, the marriage idea just took off one week/one day. I was having a lot of mixed emotions. I was feeling a lot of pressure, then he started crying saying that "I would make him the happiest man in the world if I would marry him." So I crossed my fingers and headed down to the "justice of the peace." So we were married with marriage license and all. I was not excited about having sex. The day was emotionally draining. In hindsight, I really should have stood my ground and refused everything from saying "I do" to consummating the marriage. To make a long story short, within three days of my first sexual encounter with my new husband, I was running to the doctor's office. I had never had any female problems before, and all of a sudden, I knew something just was not right. I had contracted herpes and chlamydia from him. The chlamydia was treatable. The herpes obviously was a life sentence.
ME: Did you see any signs of herpes on your new husband's body?
HER: I remember seeing a "heat rash" but no blisters. I remember asking him about the irritated area, and he did not know what was going on. He continued to engage in sex. I wanted to trust that my new husband would not put me in danger. Apparently, he was focused on one thing: having sex for the first time with me.
ME: How was the doctor's visit?
HER: Horrible. Maybe the doctors see "herpes" cases everyday so they treat it like a "paper cut." No big deal to them. I was traumatized. I had limited sexual partners, practiced safe sex, very responsible and felt that I was smart. How could this happen to me? How could I be treated like "a number" and on to the next patient? A new marriage, a new husband, and a new medical condition. I felt like I was about to have a mental breakdown.
ME: Did you seek counselling?
HER: Yes. Two Mental health counselors for a minute then narrowed it down to one mental health counselor. Also, we saw a marriage counselor. I attended a Support group. I educated myself on the internet about the virus.
ME: Did the counselling help?
HER: Yes at the time - I think it was helpful. In hindsight, I realized later that most people are not accepting of herpes until they contract it or encounter someone that they have fallen in love with who has it. I felt like I had no reason to be ashamed of contracting herpes. I got it from my husband, but people do not care how "honest" you got it - they just see something as being "wrong" with you. As I had begun to heal emotionally, I realized that I did not need a constant reminder about the condition. I learned to keep the condition to myself. People in general do not understand.
ME: Did your marriage last?
HER: No. Unfortunately, the STD's were not the only serious issues that came up. He had denied his children. He had a felony record. The list of lies kept going on and on. The marriage was done under false pretenses. In some states, I would have had enough grounds to have the marriage annulled, but my state did not have liberal enough laws to terminate the marriage. So I had to wait in fear through the separation process and then the divorce process. I literally realized that I was married to a stranger.
ME: Wow! How did you meet him?
HER: Unfortunately, through online dating. It works for some people; and apparently, for others, like me, it becomes a nightmare. At least, I am alive, and I did not contract anything else from him. Ten years have passed and no medical issues. Thank God.
ME: Thank God. He was looking out for you. Things could have been worse. Do you have any advice for others?
HER: Yes. People need to be aware that a herpes outbreak can be so mild that facial acne looks worse than a genital herpes outbreak. Please understand that facial acne has nothing to do with herpes, but please do not expect a genital herpes outbreak to look like acute facial acne below the waist. Literally, "one bump" could be "herpes." You do not have to see "sores oozing." That is why herpes is spreading because people do not understand how simple the symptoms can be. The doctors do not care how acute or mild the symptoms are. They really do not care about your "herpes." Granted there are some exceptions where your doctor cares about your well being, but in general, expect to be treated like "scum." And the best advice that I was given by a friend who also shared her herpes story with me is to not tell anyone unless you are about to become engaged to be married. Be sexually responsible as to not to spread the disease. If you feel that you may be on the verge of having an outbreak, then do not engage in sex. Even if you know that your symptoms are so mild that an unsuspecting partner would not even know that "the pimple" is herpes - just be responsible. Just say "no" until your symptoms go away. Having herpes should not limit who you date. 80% of the population has some form of herpes. Also, do not trust a man to tell you the truth about their health. Demand medical paperwork. Contracting herpes is nothing compared to contracting HIV. So thank God that it is not a death sentence. Make sure your next sex partner is tested, and you stay tested if you are sexually active.
ME: Thank you for your sharing your story. There is nothing that screams "herpes" about you.
HER: Hopefully, you do not identify me with herpes. I am still a loving person with a minor medical condition like anyone else on this Earth. Everyone should assume that everyone that they come in contact with has some form of herpes whether they know it or not. Keep clean and stay rested in order to keep your resistance up! The common cold is probably easier to catch than herpes!
ME: Wise words!
